Can you please score my IELTS Writing essay?

QuestionsCategory: Problem-SolutionCan you please score my IELTS Writing essay?
Truc Linh Mai asked 5 months ago

The population of most cities is growing as people move to cities to find work and new opportunities.
What problems does overpopulation in cities cause?
How can these problems be solved?
Due to the belief that city dwellers have more opportunities and a wider range of jobs available, people are moving to the cities in search of those advantages. This phenomenon has lead to several problems such as the lack of job for everyone and the pressure on the facilities of the cities.
First of all, it is because people from the countryside want to get better jobs that they move to cities, which unfortunately results in the shortage of jobs available since there will be more people looking for a job while the number of jobs will not increase overnight. It has always been thought that cities can offer everyone a job, but reality has proved otherwise as the more people move to cities, the higher the unemployment rates become. Furthermore, cities were not originally designed to fit so many people so it is quite clear that the facilities are facing some risks which can badly affect citizens, the main one being that the facilities are not strong enough to withstand such a large number of people anymore. This could lead to the collapse of buildings, thus a lot of people may lose their lives.
There are several ways to tackle these problems. Firstly, it is quite reasonable to improve the living quality in the countryside to cross out one of the reasons people move to cities. This can be done by subsidising the countryside so that it has fully equipped hospitals, modern schools and better facilities. The government also needs to create jobs in the countryside so that graduates can find a job in their hometown. This way, people will not move to cities as much, so the problems will be reduced. Moreover, to build satellite cities is a wonderful choice. Satellite cities can alleviate the pressure on facilities in cities and lower the unemployment rates as there will be a great demand for labour in the process of building these cities. For example, in Vietnam, surrounding Ho Chi Minh city are some satellite cities like Bien Hoa or Binh Duong, which have proved to help with the problems.
In conclusion, although overpopulation in cities is common and may cause many problems, there are ways to overcome them such as improving the quality of life in the countryside or building satellite cities.

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1 Answers
Rachel answered 5 months ago

Due to the belief that city dwellers have more opportunities and a wider range of jobs available, people are moving to the cities in search of those advantages. This phenomenon has lead to several problems such as the lack of job for everyone and the pressure on the facilities of the cities.
First of all, it is because people from the countryside want to get better jobs that they move to cities, which unfortunately results in the shortage of jobs available since there will be more people looking for a job while the number of jobs will not increase overnight. It has always been thought that cities can offer everyone a job, but reality has proved otherwise as the more people move to cities, the higher the unemployment rates become. Furthermore, cities were not originally designed to fit so many people so it is quite clear that the facilities are facing some risks which can badly affect citizens, the main one being that the facilities are not strong enough to withstand such a large number of people anymore. This could lead to the collapse of buildings, thus a lot of people may lose their lives.
There are several ways to tackle these problems. Firstly, it is quite reasonable to improve the living quality in the countryside to cross out one of the reasons people move to cities. This can be done by subsidising the countryside so that it has fully equipped hospitals, modern schools and better facilities. The government also needs to create jobs in the countryside so that graduates can find a jobs in their hometown. This way, people will not move to cities as much, so the problems will be reduced. Moreover, to build building satellite cities is a wonderful choice. Satellite cities can alleviate the pressure on facilities in cities and lower the unemployment rates as there will be a great demand for labour in the process of building these cities. For example, in Vietnam, surrounding Ho Chi Minh City are some satellite cities like Bien Hoa or Binh Duong, which have proved to help with the problems. (?!)
In conclusion, although overpopulation in cities is common and may cause many problems; there are ways to overcome them such as improving the quality of life in the countryside or building satellite cities.
Overall 6.5
Task achievement – 7.0

  • address all parts of the task
  • present a clear position
  • present relevant supporting ideas

Coherence and cohesion – 6.5

  • in general, information and ideas are coherently arranged

Lexical resource – 6.5

  • use sufficient range of vocabulary and less common lex. items with some awareness of style and collocation
  • may be repetitive and overuse some words
  • produce some errors in using article

Grammatical range and accuracy – 7.0

  • use a variety of complex structures
  • in general have good control of grammar but still, produ

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