Can you please score my essay?

QuestionsCategory: Advantage/DisadvantageCan you please score my essay?
MuratAydin asked 12 months ago

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army,
the navy and the air force just like men. 

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
 Whether women should be admitted to join the military has been discussing for a while, opposite to this  an assemblage of conservative men had already announced that they would not like to see women in the army as they strongly believe the fact that women are taken to army would deteriorate the structure of military as well as would negatively effect taking correct decisions.
İn my opinion, enacting the legal basis for women to be accepted to army like men would bring some remarkable benefits as well as it could provide the eqaulity of men and women. Addition to this, being taken to army, attenting military negotiations and undertaking such a dangerous duty would enable women to have a self-confidence and this would bring about some radical vicissitudes through the society such as violence to women, I believe, a drastic decrease could be seen in the proportion of violence against women.
Furthermore women who is taken to army, I think, in some critical negotiations would avert a lethal war opposite to men by following a soft way and using calming sentences, it is known women are softer and calmer than men. Additionally, an imperative part of society would  not be deprived from a duty which is thought to be one of the most important task of a country.
İn conclusion, I agree with those who think that women should be permitted to participate army like men as I believe that they have right to do and must to do for a more equal society.

Can you please score my essay?
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