Can You please go over my Ielts task 2 essay? Thanks!

QuestionsCategory: OpinionCan You please go over my Ielts task 2 essay? Thanks!
Malak Usama asked 2 months ago

Question: Its more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Its vital for students at school to learn more about their national history than learning about global history. There is no doubt that having knowledge about one’s culture’s history is beneficial to strengthining his/her affiliation, however, in my point of view,global history is necessary for the personal and cognitive development of schoolchildren.

Local history is a way of intesifying childrens sense of belonging and pride to their culture. For instance, having little or no knowledge about a person’s own upbringing and culture makes it possible for them to have low self-appreciation level which may result into lack of self-confidence when communicating with people from different culture backgrounds. Children who lived abroad for most of their lives for example might at some point of their lives feel rootless or identityless,he might as well feel a sense of belonging to the country he was brought up in yet will always feel as if he was a fake or second class citizen.For this reason, learning about local history is considered important.

On the other hand, World history is more of a mental growth and personal development subject than it is of history. Learning history from a global point of view help create a balanced individual that is able to analyze and understand life from a global citizen point of view. In regards to the above mentioned example, a child who learns about global past issues and success stories will be develop as a free independent humanbieng who is able to relate to any culture he is exposed to lowering the chances of him being cultureshocked at any point through out his life. Therefore, Global history must be a mandatory subject in schools across the globe.

To conclude, national history is a tool that intensifies the sense of attachment to ones culture helping him being self-appreciated and confident. Global history in contrast help build the childs cognitive and personal development making him more of a global citizen. I believe that learning about the world is necessary to each person’s growth and development.

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1 Answers
Rachel answered 1 month ago

Its It is vital for students at school to learn more about their national history than learning about global history. There is no doubt that having knowledge about one’s culture’s history is beneficial to strengthining strengthen his/her affiliation; however, in my point of view, global history is necessary for the personal and cognitive development of schoolchildren.
Local history is a way of intensifying children’s sense of belonging and pride to their culture. For instance, having little or no knowledge about a person’s own upbringing and culture makes it possible for them to have low self-appreciation level which may result into lack of self-confidence when communicating with people from different culture backgrounds. Children who lived abroad for most of their lives, for example, (commas) might at some point of their lives feel rootless or identityless, he might as well feel a sense of belonging to the country he was brought up in, yet will always feel as if he was a fake or second class citizen. For this reason, learning about local history is considered important.
On the other hand, World history is more of a mental growth and personal development subject than it is of history. Learning history from a global point of view helps create a balanced individual that is able to analyze and understand life from a global citizen point of view standpoint (try to replace this phrase with something else to avoid repetition). In regards to the abovementioned example, a child who learns about global past issues and success stories will be develop as a free independent humanbieng human-being who is able to relate to any culture he is exposed to, and lower lowering the chances of him being culture shocked at any points throughout his life. Therefore, Global history must be a mandatory subject in schools across the globe.
To conclude, national history is a tool that intensifies the sense of attachment to one’s’ culture, helping him being self-appreciated and confident (boost his self-appreciation and confidence). Global history, in contrast, (commas) helps build the child’s cognitive and personal development, makes him more of a global citizen. I believe that learning about the world is necessary to each person’s growth and development.
TA – 7.0

  • address all parts with clear position throughout the respond

CC – 7.0

  • logically organize information
  • present a central topic within each paragraph

LR – 6.5

  • use a sufficient range of vocabulary
  • make some errors in word choice, word forms and spelling

GRA – 6.5

  • use a variety range of complex structures
  • some errors in punctuation, sv agreement, and parallel structures

Overall 6.5

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