can you please check my essay? it is one of my first try

QuestionsCategory: Dicussioncan you please check my essay? it is one of my first try
biggestproblemiswriting asked 3 months ago

 
Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are actually important for a country.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
 
 Politicians generally promise a stronger economy on their campaings, and in fact, they deeply focus on the fiscal situations of their countries, as soon as they begin to rule the state. To a certain extent, I find reasonable this tendency, however, I also believe that, states should pay attention as much they do on economy as on other social fields, such as public transport or education.
 
 Focusing just on economy, first of all, would might cause governments to ignore some urgent problems of societies. İn such situations, governments generally fail to pin down vital problems of their countries. For example, while a government deeply think how to create a larger economy, they might be late for their century’s technological and scientific developments, which therefore create a social and educational corruption all across the country. An example of this situation is definitely  developing countries. İn these kind of countries, sexual harrassment rates are soaring up and governments are trying to quell the people by promising them more money(stronger economy) instead of dealing with the problem, as well as, day by day their education curriculum moves away from modern values.
 
 On the other hand, I agree that economy should prefrentially be dealt due to some reasons. Firstly, other developments, such as in technology or public transport, are a strong reflection o a vigorous economy. Without a strong economy, money could not be poured in social fields, which thuse creates an uneasiness over the societies that cause crime rate to increase. Secondly, economic power of a country specifies its place on international arena. A weak country in terms of economy for instance, would not find a right even to reveal its thoughts about an international problem. Lastly, I believe that money brings civilization with itself, which consequently enables societies to devote themselves more to art that thus flourishes their creativity both on technology and social sciences which have a vital role on a society’s developments.
 
 İn conclusion, I believe that governments should strike a balance between economy and social affairs to have a healtier society.
 

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1 Answers
Rachel answered 3 months ago

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are actually important for a country.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
 
 Politicians generally promise a stronger economy on their campaings campaigns, and in fact, they deeply focus on the fiscal situations of their countries, as soon as they begin to rule the state. To a certain extent, I find reasonable this tendency, however, I also believe that, states should pay attention as much they do on economy as on other social fields, such as public transport or education.
 
 Focusing just on economy, first of all, would might cause governments to ignore some urgent problems of societies. In such situations, governments generally fail to pin down vital problems of their countries. For example, while a government deeply thinks how to create a larger economy, they might be late for their century’s technological and scientific developments, which therefore create a social and educational corruption all across the country. An example of this situation is definitely developing countries. In these kind of countries, sexual harrassment rates are soaring up and governments are trying to quell the people by promising them more money (stronger economy) instead of dealing with the problem, as well as, day by day their education curriculum moves away from modern values.
 
 On the other hand, I agree that economy should prefrentially preferentially be dealt due to some reasons. Firstly, other developments, such as in technology or public transport, are a strong reflections of a vigorous economy. Without a strong economy, money could not be poured in social fields, which thuse creates an uneasiness over the societies that cause crime rate to increase. Secondly, economic power of a country specifies its place on international arena. A weak country in terms of economy for instance, would not find a right even to reveal its thoughts about an international problem. Lastly, I believe that money brings civilization with itself, which consequently enables societies to devote themselves more to art that thus flourishes their creativity both on technology and social sciences which have a vital role on a society’s developments.
 
 In conclusion, I believe that governments should strike a balance between economy and social affairs to have a healthier society.
Task achievement – 7.0

  • address all parts of the task
  • present a well developed respond (however, the first part, there’s first of all but no second or third?! And the introduction introduced public transport but it is not mentioned in the body paragraphs)

Coherence and Cohesion – 7.0

  • logically organise information throughout the respond
  • present a central topic within each paragraph

Lexical resource – 7.0

  • use sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility
  • make some errors in spelling, and word choice

Grammatical range and accuracy – 7.0

  • use a variety of complex structure

Overall 7.0

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