Can you please assess my essay on topic 'More people are travelling these days. Do you agree' How much should I score in writing part #2 with given writing level?

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Can you please assess my essay on topic 'More people are travelling these days. Do you agree' How much should I score in writing part #2 with given writing level?
Hitender Mehandiratta asked 2 years ago

Nowadays, more and more people travel than ever before. People travel for different purposes that include official work, leisure activities or holidaying with family. This trend has lead to enormous growth in the travel industry including bus operators, railways, and airlines. The industry has benefited because of different factors such as socio-economic changes & globalization. There are only handful of nations left, wherein the travel industry has remained stagnant or worst suffered slash.
Firstly, the families are nuclear these days. Unlike, old days when we were younger, our parents would take us to our relatives place but this is not the case today with nuclear families. Everyone is so busy, so you have to plan around yourself. Hence, travel when you are able to take out time and spend quality time with your family.
Secondly, people today have more disposable income than ever before, thanks to the Globalization. We have many industries build after the process of globalization began, including IT, Call centers, back-end office operations. These industries have uplifted the pay scale of the market. Thus, people have more money at their disposal. Hence, are able to travel for leisure purpose and holiday with their families abroad.
The countries like Syria, Iraq have been war-torn. Thus, people have become less fortune and there hasn’t been any increase in traveling.
There are many benefits for a traveler. Firstly, the traveler gets an opportunity to learn about the local culture, customs and get a better exposure. This not only helps him to see the other side of the world but also helps him to become more tolerant. Secondly, he gets a chance to explore business opportunities.

Can you please assess my essay on topic 'More people are travelling these days. Do you agree' How much should I score in writing part #2 with given writing level?
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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

Nowadays, more and more people travel than ever before. People travel for different purposes that include official work, leisure activities or holidaying with family. This trend has lead to enormous growth in the travel industry including bus operators, railways, and airlines. The industry has benefited because of different factors such as socio-economic changes & and globalization. There are only handful of nations left, wherein the travel industry has remained stagnant or worst suffered slash.
Firstly, the families are nuclear these days (there are a number of nuclear families nowsday or nuclear families occupy an enormous number in our society). Unlike, old days when we were younger, our parents would take us to our relatives place but this is not the case today with nuclear families (Run-on sentence). Everyone is so busy, so you have to plan around yourself. Hence, travel when you are able to take out time and spend quality time with your family.
Secondly, people today have more disposable income than ever before, thanks to the Globalization. We have many industries build after the process of globalization began, including IT, Call centers, back-end office operations. These industries have uplifted the pay scale of the market. Thus, people have more money at their disposal. Hence, are able to travel for leisure purpose and holiday with their families abroad.
The countries like Syria, Iraq have been war-torn. Thus, people have become less fortune and there hasn’t been any increase in traveling.
(unclear example)
There are many benefits for a traveler. Firstly, the traveler gets an opportunity to learn about the local culture, customs and get a better exposure. This not only helps him to see the other side of the world but also helps him to become more tolerant. Secondly, he gets a chance to explore business opportunities.
 
Task achievement: 5.5 (addresses all parts of the task, presents an overview with information appropriately selected)
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5 (arranges information and ideas coherently and but there are some unclear points)
Lexical Resource: 5.5 (uses only basic and limited range of vocabulary)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5.5 (uses a mix of simple and complex sentences but only a limited range of structures)
Overall: 5.5 (Overall, you understand the instruction but this task needs to be improved.)

Can you please assess my essay on topic 'More people are travelling these days. Do you agree' How much should I score in writing part #2 with given writing level?
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