can you assess my writing essay?

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2can you assess my writing essay?
navidba asked 2 years ago

topic :some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sport facilities. others, however, say tat this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
 
There is two different views about the ways of improve public health. First one, some people believed that increasing the number of sport facilities can improve health of people. Second one, other group believe that sport facilities have a little impact on public health and other measures are required.
It is widely believed that sport activities can improve health of people and increasing the number of sport facilities can have positive impacts. Firstly, increasing the number of sport facilities can increase the access of people to the sport. For example, the best way that people can do swimming is swim in public pools. So, build pools in cities can motivate people to swimming. Secondly, children like to play sports in the sport facilities, under supervision of a trainer. It can affect public health in the long term. Because doing sport in childhood can prevent heart disease, cancer and other disease in adulthood.
On the other hand, build sport facilities can have little impact on public health when, firstly people do not have enough motivation to doing sports. For example, if in a country, going sport is forbidden for women, increasing the number of sport facilities cannot have impact on women health. Secondly, if in an area people suffer from some local disease, caused by public hygiene, sports cannot affect enough public health. So, other activities required in this place.
In my opinion, increasing the number of facilities can be helpful. But it is not necessarily true in all situations and areas.    

can you assess my writing essay?
3 (60%) 2 votes

navidba replied 2 years ago

thank you so much.

1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

There is-> are two different views about-> towards public health improvement. First one, Some people believed that increasing the number of sport facilities can improve health of people whereas Second one, other opponent group believe that sport facilities have a little impact on public health and that other measures are required.
It is widely believed that sport activities can improve health is beneficial for health and increasing the number of sport facilities can have positive impacts. (unnecessary repeating) Firstly, increasing the number of sport facilities can help increase provide the access for people to the sport. For example, the best way that people can do go swimming is to swim in public pools. So (non-academic!!!) Hence, building pools in cities can motivate-> encourage people to go swimming more often. Secondly, under supervision of a trainer in sport complexes, safety is guaranteed, especially when it comes to active and energetic children. Moreover, in a long run, Because doing sports in childhood at a young age can prevent heart disease, cancer and other diseases in adulthood.
On the other hand, building (verb used as subjects must be in form of V-ing!!!) sport facilities can have little impact on public health when, firstly, people do not have enough motivation to doing sports. For example, if in a country, going sport is forbidden for women, in certain cases whereby women are not allowed to do sport, increasing the number of sport facilities cannot have impact on help them stay healthy. Secondly, if in an area, people living in an area which is suffering from local diseases caused by public hygiene, sports cannot affect enough public health playing sports id more likely to be unnecessary. So, other activities required in this place.
In my opinion, increasing the number of sports facilities can be helpful, But (non-academic) -> yet it is not necessarily true in all situations and areas.    
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.0 (ideas are not developed enough, weak evidence)
Cohesion and coherence: 5.5 (not well-organized, the flow is not logical enough, ideas are repeated continuously)
Lexical sources: 6.5 (adequate range of vocabs, try to use more synonyms, “have impact on”, “improve”, “public health” are used too many times)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 5.0 (take notes on subject-verb agreement, using Verb as a Subject, sentence structures are simple and repeated)
Overall: 5.5 (it feels like the discussion is not deep enough because it lacks of real-life evidence, experience and logical organization. Try to read more about sports)

can you assess my writing essay?
3 (60%) 2 votes

navidba replied 2 years ago

thank you so much.

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