Can someone correct and score my essay? I want to know at which band I am. Thank you very much!

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Can someone correct and score my essay? I want to know at which band I am. Thank you very much!
fathiamni asked 2 years ago

Q: Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

A:
These days, the world is categorized by their development rates. The terms used are First World and Third World and countries al around the globe are categorized in these two terms. First World are for the wealthy and developed countries like United States of America and United Kingdom. As for Third World, it is used for poorer, developing countries like Bangladesh and Africa.

In my opinion, wealthy countries should share some of their wealth with the poorer countries. The help that they can give are maybe for the education and food supplies of the poorer countries. They may help by providing some fundings in order for the poorer countries to develop. In return, the poorer country can repay the wealthy country by sending some of their citizens to work at the wealthy country. For example, Malaysia has been helping Bangladesh by providing them some technologies in advanced farming techniques. Bangladesh, in return, has been sending its citizens to work in Malaysia since the work demands can not be covered by its citizens.

Other than that, a poor country can not be blamed for their lack of work on not helping their own citizens. It is because, in my view, the government may not have enough fundings or advanced technology to develop their country. Also, the education centers may not be enough to cover all the children and young adults. For example, in Palestine, the young adults over there have succeed in producing gasoline by using recycled plastics. However, this technology can not be developed due to the country’s lack of funding.

In conclusion, the wealthy nations should help the poorer nations. In return, the poorer countries have to provide something to return the help of the wealthy countries. Besides, a poor can not be all responsible for its citizens as the government of the poorer country may not have enough funds to develop their country.

(370 words)

Can someone correct and score my essay? I want to know at which band I am. Thank you very much!
5 (100%) 2 votes

1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

These days, the world is categorized by their development rates. The terms used are First World and Third World and countries all around the globe are categorized in these two terms. First World are for the wealthy and developed countries like United States of America and United Kingdom. As for Third World, it is used for poorer, developing countries like Bangladesh and Africa.(informative but unnecessary)
In my opinion, wealthy countries should share some of their wealth with the poorer countries. The help that they can possibly give are maybe (non-academic) the education and food supplies of the poorer countries. They may help by providing some funding in order to help for the poorer countries to develop. In return, the poorer country can repay the wealthy country by sending some of their citizens to work at for the wealthy country. For example, Malaysia has been helping Bangladesh by providing them some technologies in advanced farming techniques. Bangladesh, in return, has been sending its citizens to work in Malaysia since the work demands cannot be covered by its citizens.
Other than that, On the other hand, a poor country cannot be blamed for their lack of work on not helping their own citizens. It is because, in my view, the government may not have enough funding or advanced technology to develop their country. Also (non-academic) In addition, the education centers may not be enough to cover all the children and young adults. For example, in Palestine, the young adults over there have succeed in producing gasoline by using recycled plastics. However, this technology can not be developed due to the country’s lack of funding.
In conclusion, the wealthy nations should help the poorer nations. In return, the poorer countries have to provide something to return the help of the wealthy countries. Besides, a the poor cannot be all responsible for its citizens as the government of the poorer country may not have enough funds to develop their country.
Feedback
Task achievement: 7.5 (clearly address all parts of the topic, no need to include advance definitions and terms, strong evidence)
Coherence and cohesion: 7.0 (good flow, logical organization)
Lexical resource: 7.5 (fluent use of advanced vocabs, no spelling mistakes, despite some non-academic words and it’s “cannot”, NOT “can not”)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 7.5 (fluent and flexible use of sentence structures, no grammar mistakes)
Overall: 7.0 (good explanation even though it’s unnecessary and it made your essay too long for 20 minutes, very fluent use of advanced vocabs and grammar. Try to avoid non-academic words. Excellent essay!!!)

Can someone correct and score my essay? I want to know at which band I am. Thank you very much!
5 (100%) 2 votes

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