Can someone check my essay and give it a score.? I need to know whether I need to improve my writing.

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Can someone check my essay and give it a score.? I need to know whether I need to improve my writing.
fathiamni asked 2 years ago

Q: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

A:
There are many kinds of music genres these days. Is it known that music evolves since forever. In the 80’s we can see that rock music dominates the music world, while now, electropop music is the top music that people usually listen to.

It is undeniable that without music, our life will be dull. Why music is needed in our life? I believe that in general view of music, it is used as a medium to to spread information. For example, Fast food franchises like McDonalds and Pizza Hut, they use music for their delivery numbers so that their customers can memorize the numbers easily.

Other than that, from my personal view, music is my getaway from all my work. Listening to music can make me feel relaxed, and sometimes, I can also use it to fill some of my free times. I believe that in a way, music is good for the body and mind. Whenever I feel unmotivated, I will listen to loud music. The music will make feel energetic and motivated. For the mind, I would usually listen to classical music. In addition to that, I have read somewhere that listening Mozart can help boost your creativity.

Furthermore, there are also arguments on why traditional music is so important for a country. In my opinion, traditional music is indeed important for a country. Traditional music like lullabies and folk musics, they show the identity of a country. They carry together with them the cultures and histories of a country. For instance, in Malaysia, our folk musics mostly consist of moral values. For example, when I was a child, my parents taught me moral values through folk musics. The moral values that can be found in Malaysian folk musics usually are about respecting the elders and putting others first before yourself. It is important for us to prevent folk musics from extinction in this world of evolving music.

In my conclusion, we need music as a medium to spread information an also for relaxation. Lastly, in my opinion, traditional music is much more important than international music because it consists of a country’s cultures and histories.

(325 words)

Can someone check my essay and give it a score.? I need to know whether I need to improve my writing.
5 (100%) 2 votes

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

Q: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
A:
There are many kinds of music genres these days. Is it known that music evolves since forever. In the 80’s we can see that rock music dominates the music world, while now, electropop music is the top music that people usually listen to.
It is undeniable that without music, our life will be dull. Why music is needed in our life? I believe that in general view of music, it is used as a medium to to spread information. For example, fast food franchises like McDonalds and Pizza Hut, they use music for their delivery numbers so that their customers can memorize the numbers easily.
Other than that, from my personal view, music is my getaway from all my work. Listening to music can make me feel relaxed, and sometimes, I can also use it to fill some of my free times. I believe that in a way, music is good for the body and mind. Whenever I feel unmotivated, I will listen to loud music. The music will make me feel energetic and motivated. For the mind, I would usually listen to classical music. In addition to that, I have read somewhere that listening Mozart can help boost your creativity.
Furthermore, there are also arguments on why traditional music is so important for a country. In my opinion, traditional music is indeed important for a country. Traditional music like lullabies and folk musics, they show the identity of a country. They carry together with them the cultures and histories of a country. For instance, in Malaysia, our folk musics mostly consist of moral values. For example, when I was a child, my parents taught me moral values through folk musics. The moral values that can be found in Malaysian folk musics usually are about respecting the elders and putting others first before yourself. It is important for us to prevent folk musics from extinction in this world of evolving music.
In my conclusion, we need music as a medium to spread information and also for relaxation. Lastly, in my opinion, traditional music is much more important than international music because it consists of a country’s cultures and histories.
(325 words)
Task achievement – 6.5

  • respond all parts of the task
  • present a relevant position

Coherence and Cohesion – 5.5

  • arrange information and ideas coherently and there’s clear progression
  • may be repetitive
  • the introduction is not answering the task question (off-topic)

Lexical resource – 5.5

  • use limited range of vocabulary

Grammatical range and accuracy – 6.5

  • use a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
  • produce frequent error free sentences

Overall – 6.0
Your essay is quite well written, however it’s a little repetitive. If you work a little more on improving your vocabulary range you will have better writings. 
Cheers,

Can someone check my essay and give it a score.? I need to know whether I need to improve my writing.
5 (100%) 2 votes

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