Can anyone correct my essay and score it for me? Thank you so much!

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Can anyone correct my essay and score it for me? Thank you so much!
fathiamni asked 2 years ago

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is rising. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Yes, it is true that improved medical care has benefit a lot of people. Nowadays, there a re a lot of rare diseases that have been diagnosed by doctors all around the world. And the chances for some people to survive certain diseases have increased s lot since recent years.

One of the advantages is medical insurances. A lot of insurance companies have decided to cover expanses for more diseases. This situation allows people from lower income families to not worry about the medical charges. The families will have more time to support their family members with disease instead of worrying about the medical charges. For example, families in rural area do not have the luxury of advanced medical care. With insurances, the do not have to worry about the health expanses of their family members.

Another thing is the advanced surgery’s equipments that show great improvement i a lot of surgeries. The equipments used by surgeons these days have benefit patients in term of healing process. Patients operated with these high precision equipments tend to experience less post-surgery pain and the time taken to heal the surgery’s wound also can be reduced. For example, a machine called ‘Da Vinci’ which still in the process of tho be introduced to hospitals, is known for its process that does not require to cut open a patient’s body to perform a surgery. The machine has shown a great achievement in the surgery field.

In conclusion, the benefits of improved medical care like medical insurances and advanced surgery’s equipments have outweigh the disadvantages. More people are having the benefits if improved medical care which can help to reduce and prevent more people that are suffering with diseases.

(280 words)

Can anyone correct my essay and score it for me? Thank you so much!
5 (100%) 1 vote

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

Yes, it is true that improved medical care has benefit a lot of people. Nowadays, there are a lot of rare diseases that have been diagnosed by doctors all around the world. And the chances for some people to survive certain diseases have increased s lot since recent years
One of the advantages is medical insurances. A lot of insurance companies have decided to cover expanses for more diseases. This situation allows people from lower income families to not worry about the medical charges. The families will have more time to support their family members with disease instead of worrying about the medical charges. For example, families in rural area do not have the luxury of advanced medical care. With insurances, the do not have to worry about the health expanses of their family members.
Another thing is the advanced surgery’s equipments that show great improvement i a lot of surgeries. The equipments used by surgeons these days have benefit patients in term of healing process. Patients operated with these high precision equipments tend to experience less post-surgery pain and the time taken to heal the surgery’s wound also can be reduced. For example, a machine called ‘Da Vinci’ which still in the process of tho be introduced to hospitals, is known for its process that does not require to cut open a patient’s body to perform a surgery. The machine has shown a great achievement in the surgery field.
In conclusion, the benefits of improved medical care like medical insurances and advanced surgery’s equipments have outweigh the disadvantages. More people are having the benefits if improved medical care which can help to reduce and prevent more people that are suffering with diseases.
Task achievement – 5.0

  • address the task only partially

Coherence and Cohesion – 5.0

  • may be repetitive
  • present information with some organization but there may lack of overall progression

Lexical resource – 5.0

  • use a limited range of vocabulary
  • make some noticeable errors in spelling

Grammatical range and accuracy – 6.0

  • make some error in grammar but they rarely reduce communication

Overall 5.0
I think you should work more on your coherence and cohesion; as well as spend some more time analysing the question before writing ^^
Good luck! ~

Can anyone correct my essay and score it for me? Thank you so much!
5 (100%) 1 vote

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