Thuy Dung Pham and Rachel please check my essay. I need your help…

QuestionsCategory: Problem-SolutionThuy Dung Pham and Rachel please check my essay. I need your help…
livermore asked 2 months ago

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work on their studies.
What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?
 
Stress, hardworking, less leisure time and pressure. There is no doubt that current teenagers` life style  consist all of them. Certainly this detrimental situation caused by their study and parents` bad behaviour. Today young people are studying without breaks. It is probably true to say this condition help to pass their entrance exam of universities, but they are not robot which do regular work. Unlike the robot, organism of mankind need relaxing activity when he or she gets tired with own  daily works. This essay`s basic aims is to identify main causes and find solutions to this problematic issue.
From my limited life experience, after a heavy study day it difficult to have rest since young people have to attend to extra classes. This condition continues until they enter to university. In fact, throughout this period they rarely have time to spend with  family and friends, in consequence teenagers can not use own free time. Therefore most of them do not get on well with others, because stressful lifestyle changes their good attitude. Recent researches show that majority teenagers always think about failing examination. Obviously this bad feeling hinders to relax in outcome they do not want to have a rest even though they have free time.
As mentioned above to main causes result of parental pressure. They always require a lot of achievement which is very hard to reach. On the contrary, they should support them and give essential and useful advice. In addition to this certain teachers demand surplus knowledge and they give excessive exercises to fulfill. Actually this manner is not a key to good result, cause after heavy pressure young people may lose self-confidence.
As can be seen from the above discussion the problem requires several immediate solutions. I suppose parents must be polite with own children, since every good word can influence them. Another clear solution to the problem is outdoor activities. In particular, teachers should create special games that help to refresh their mind. This activities save them from pressure. Last but not least, government should increase number of places in  universities, it may be only exact way to escape above pressures.
All in all, from my way of thing that young people should not worry about entrance exams, since it is do not play principal role in our life. Namely, people can obtain success without diploma.

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livermore replied 2 months ago

All in all – To sum up or In conclusion…

livermore replied 2 months ago

please check my writing….

livermore replied 2 months ago

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livermore replied 2 months ago

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livermore replied 2 months ago

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1 Answers
Rachel answered 2 months ago

Stress, hardworking, less leisure time and pressure. (?! You shouldn’t write it this way) There is no doubt that current teenagers’ life style consist all of them. Certainly this detrimental situation caused by their study and parents’ bad behaviour. Today young people are studying without breaks. It is probably true to say this condition help to pass their entrance exam of universities, but they are not robot which do regular work. Unlike the robot, organism of mankind needs relaxing activity when he or she gets tired with own daily works. This essay’s basic aims is are to identify main causes and find solutions to this problematic issue.
From my limited life experience, after a heavy study day, it difficult to have rest since young people have to attend to extra classes. This condition continues until they enter to university. In fact, throughout this period, they rarely have time to spend with family and friends; in consequence teenagers cannot use own their (maybe) free time. Therefore, most of them do not get on well with others, because stressful lifestyle changes their good attitude. Recent researches show that majority teenagers always think about failing examination. Obviously this bad feeling hinders him/her to relax; in outcome therefore they do not want to have a rest even though they have free time.
As mentioned above to main causes result of parental pressure. They are always requiring a lot of achievement which is very hard to reach. On the contrary, they should support them and give essential and useful advice. In addition to this, certain teachers demand surplus knowledge and they give excessive exercises to fulfill. Actually this manner is not a key to good result, cause after heavy pressure young people may lose self-confidence.
As can be seen from the above discussion the problem requires several immediate solutions. I suppose parents must be polite with own children, since every good word can influence them. Another clear solution to the problem is outdoor activities. In particular, teachers should create special games that help to refresh their mind. This Those activities save them from pressure. Last but not least, government should increase number of places in universities, it may be only exact way to escape above pressures. (unclear)
All in all, from my way of thing (?!) that young people should not worry about entrance exams, since it is do not play principal role in our life. Namely, people can obtain success without diploma.
Task achievement – 5.5

  • address all parts of the task but the first part is more fully covered than the second
  • the conclusion may become unclear
  • main ideas are presented but not well supported

Coherence and Cohesion – 5.5

  • There’s a clear overall progression

Lexical resource – 6.0

  • use adequate range of vocabulary for the task
  • make some errors in spelling, word choice..

Grammatical range and accuracy – 6.0

  • punctuation may be faulty, which causes difficulty for reader

Overall – 6.0

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livermore replied 2 months ago

All in all – To sum up or In conclusion…

livermore replied 2 months ago

please check my writing….

livermore replied 2 months ago

.

livermore replied 2 months ago

.

livermore replied 2 months ago

.