I would be happy if you guys check and assess my essay. Thank you beforehand :)

QuestionsCategory: Problem-SolutionI would be happy if you guys check and assess my essay. Thank you beforehand :)
Abdulvadud asked 3 months ago

Depopulating is among the principal problem facing many countries. This essay will suggest the biggest problems caused by this phenomenon are the deficiency of dwelling-places for urban people as well as worsen economy and then confirm well organized infrastructure and active urban life as the most viable solution, followed by a reasoned conclusion.
One of the most detrimental effects of rural depopulation is a severe accommodation shortage and dramatically increasing number of traffic jams in urban areas. Obviously, most people have tendency to inhabit in well-developed cities which can give citizens golden opportunities like transport infrastructure and decent jobs. As a result, rural inhabitants are, in fact, going to cities so as to grasp this chance but not thinking how they could badly deteriorate these cities with their large number, bringing about a noticeable raise of traffic jams and lack of living space.
One way to deal with the situation would be to ensure how rural people are provided with worthwhile jobs. This is because, as people like earning high salary, they promptly forget about striking their jobs. Steps should also be taken to overcome problems the people face as a result of bad public transportation. A clear solution to the problem is for the government to make sure that people can easily go to their work or other places without any difficulties as well as with cheap taxes. Furthermore, the lives of rural people would also be improved if the governments kindly provide them with well-facilitated public health-care and high quality education systems.
To sum up, there are several measures which could be taken to prevent the rural depopulation. If governments alike were to help, it would make the countryside, in fact, even not less than developed cities.

I would be happy if you guys check and assess my essay. Thank you beforehand 🙂
4.89 (97.78%) 9 votes

2 Answers
admin answered 3 months ago

Hi, 

I would love to give you some feedback and comment on your essay:

Depopulating is among the principal problem(s) facing many countries. This essay will suggest (discuss/look into) the biggest problems caused by this phenomenon are the deficiency of  (in) dwelling-places for urban people as well as worsen( worsening) economy and then confirm (propose/put forward) well organized infrastructure and active urban life as the most viable solution, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

One of the most detrimental effects of rural depopulation is a severe accommodation shortage and the dramatically increasing number of traffic jams in urban areas. Obviously, most people have tendency to inhabit in well-developed cities which can give citizens golden opportunities like transport infrastructure and decent jobs. As a result, rural inhabitants are, in fact, going to cities so as to grasp this chance but not thinking how they could badly deteriorate these cities with their large number (to a great extent), bringing about a noticeable raise of (rise in) traffic jams and lack of living space.

One way to deal with the situation would be to ensure how rural people are provided with worthwhile jobs. This is because, as people like earning high salary, they promptly forget about striking their jobs. Steps should also be taken to overcome problems the people face as a result of bad public transportation. A clear solution to the problem is for the government to make sure that people can easily go to their work or other places without any difficulties as well as with cheap taxes. Furthermore, the lives (standard of living) of rural people would (will) also be improved if the governments kindly provide (furnish  – academic word) them with well-facilitated public health-care and high quality education systems.

To sum up, there are several measures which could be taken to prevent the rural depopulation. If governments alike were to help, it would make the countryside, in fact, even not less than developed cities.

Below are some useful vocabulary and expressions you can make use of when it comes to cause/problem-solution essays.
Cause:
–  Since/Because
–  Because of/Owing to/Due to (the fact that)
–  The reason that…/why…/for… is that…
–  This matter/problem… | can be attributed to …/ is resulted from
–  … lead to this problem…

Effect:
–  Thus/Therefore/Consequently.
–  As a result/consequence,…
–  The result of … is/would be/could be…
–  … would/could result in

Solutions:
–  One possible/notable way to solve/overcome/deal with/mitigate the problem would be/is …
–  People/Government/The society/Individuals/ Each individual should focus his/their attention on + Ving.
Example: Each individual should focus his attention on protecting the environment.

Cause-Solution Essays should follow this basic four paragraph structure:

Paragraph 1- Introduction
Paragraph 2- Problems
Paragraph 3- Solutions
Paragraph 4- Conclusion

At a sentence level, your structure should look like this:
Introduction 
Sentence 1- Paraphrase question
Sentence 2- Outline sentence (say what you will discuss in the rest of the essay)
Problem 
Sentence 3- State problem
Sentence 4- Explain what problem is
Sentence 5- What is the result of this problem
Sentence 6- Example
Solution
Sentence 7- State solution
Sentence 8- Explain how solution will solve problem
Sentence 9- Example
Conclusion 
Sentence 10- Summary of main points in paragraphs 2 and 3
Sentence 11- Prediction or recommendation (optional)

Your band score:

Task Achievement 7.0
– sufficiently addresses all parts  of the task
– presents a well-developed response to the question with  relevant, extended and
supported ideas
– You successfully address all parts of the task. The supported ideas are sufficient and relevant.

Cohesion/Coherence 7.0
– logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
– uses a range of cohesive devices  appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
– presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
– The cohesive devices are used effectively.

Lexical Resource 7.0
– uses a sufficient range of  vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
– uses less common lexical items  with some awareness of style  and collocation
– may produce occasional errors  in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
– You use a wide range of topic vocabulary but there are many spelling mistakes.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy 7.5
– uses a variety of complex structures
– produces frequent error-free sentences
– has good control of grammar and  punctuation but may make a few errors
–  There are some mistakes about subject/verb agreement.

Total 7.0

Your Task Achievement is pretty good. You also use a wide range of vocabulary and good structures. Pay more attention to the unnecessary mistakes such as word choice.

I would be happy if you guys check and assess my essay. Thank you beforehand 🙂
4.89 (97.78%) 9 votes

Bhuvana answered 2 months ago

Some people say that the only reason for learnig a foreign language is in order to travel to or work in a foreign country.Others say that these are not the only reasons why someone should learn a foreign language.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
There are many different languages widely spoken in the world nowadays.While some people argue that the purpose for learning a new language by an individual is to visit foreign countries and for a job opportunity in abroad and others say that there are various reasons for one to learn a foreign language.I will discuss both these views and give my perspective at the end.
On the one hand,I can understand the view regarding people’s interest about learning new languages for pleasure and to work.The main objective is most students have a lot of job opportunities in a foreign country and hence, prefer to learn the respective country’s language to get more wages and to improve in their career level.The second major point is that some people would like to visit abroad for their pleasure and would therefore, try to learn new languages for a short -time benefits only.Therefore,they do not have any other motive for learning a foreign language rather aiming for their success and happiness.
On the other hand,the opponents to the above reasons say that there are various reasons for one to learn a different language.According to them,people can learn a foreign language to broaden their horizon.For example,one can know the history and cultural habits of the people living in different countries by knowing their language and can even know about the past history of our ancestors.In addition,different citizens can become friends if they know each others language and this facilitates better communication between the nations.Therefore,promoting a friendly atmosphere globally.
In conclusion,I believe that interest to learn a new language should not be a mandatory one .It should be an exploring adventure to one who prefers to know various languages and also helps to improve one’s knowledge precisely.

I would be happy if you guys check and assess my essay. Thank you beforehand 🙂
4.89 (97.78%) 9 votes