Hi guys I would be really happy if someone could evaluate my essay below

QuestionsCategory: Advantage/DisadvantageHi guys I would be really happy if someone could evaluate my essay below
kankoon asked 2 months ago

Children have more and more tests and exams to do at school, sometimes starting from the age of five or six, right up until the age of 18. What are the advantages and disadvantages of making children do exams?    
Schoolchildren are having a massive amount of formal examination; they usually embark their journey with exams from their very early childhood until their late teenage. This essay will firstly, discuss the benefits of this trend, followed by the drawbacks.  
The major positive of conducting frequent exams at school is that, it could help students to develop new study skills. That’s because when they study for long hours in order to pass their tests successfully, they acquire new skills day after day which might facilitate they preparation for their following exam.  
Another advantage is that it might help in occupying children’s free time. For example, The Sunday Times reported that in India 70 percent of parents have admitted in 2011 that their children do not play PlayStation or Game Boy in their leisure time as the government has duplicated the number of the exams in 2009 at schools for all grades.  
On the other hand, the main disadvantage of this phenomenon is that it might significantly increase the obesity rate among children. As pupils would be fully occupied in evenings studying rather than engaging in suitable sport activities to burn effectively their extra calories and be less vulnerable to chronic diseases which are related to obesity.  
The second drawback is that children would become more likely to have a few numbers of friends. For instance, a recent survey conducted in 2003 found that 40 percent of school students in Britain are introvert despite of the availability of the social media, so they attribute this to their tremendous amount of exams.  
To conclude, conducting a huge number of exams for children tend to play vital roles in enhancing their study skills and filling their extra time, while it has negative impacts on the obesity rate for children and their social life.

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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 months ago

Schoolchildren are having a massive amount of formal examination; they usually embark their journey with exams from their very early childhood until their late teenage. This essay will shall firstly, discuss both the benefits and drawbacks of this trend, followed by the drawbacks.
The major positive aspect of/On the bright side, conducting frequent exams at school that, could help students to develop new study skills. That’s (NEVER use short form in academic writing !!!) Because when they study for long hours hard in order to pass their tests successfully, they acquire new skills and helpful study tips day after day which might facilitate they preparation their preparation for their the following exam.
Another advantage is that it might help in occupying children’s free time. For example, The Sunday Times reported that in India 70 percent of parents in India have admitted in 2011 (the study completed already=> use past simple tense!!!) that their children do did not spend most of their time on playing PlayStation or Game Boy in their leisure time as the government has had duplicated/duplicated the number of the exams at schools for all grades.
On the other hand, the main disadvantage of this phenomenon is that it might significantly increase the obesity rate among children. As pupils would be fully occupied in evenings studying rather than instead of engaging participating/joining/taking part in suitable sport/outdoor activities which help burn effectively their extra calories and be less vulnerable to obesity-related diseases.
The second drawback is that children would become more likely to have a few numbers of friends. For instance, a recent survey conducted in 2003 found that 40 percent of school students in Britain are introverts despite of the availability of the social media, so in order to they attribute this to their tremendous amount of exams.
To conclude, conducting a huge number of exams for children tend to play vital roles in enhancing their study skills and filling their extra time, while it has negative impacts on the obesity rate their health for children and their social life.
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.5 (ideas are outstanding, strong and supportive evidence with specific statistics, yet TOO LONG!!!)
Coherence and cohesion: 7.5 (good flow, should not paragraphing too much => 1st and 2nd advantage-> 1 para, 1st and 2nd disad-> 1 para)
Lexical resources: 7.0 (advanced vocabs, no-mispelling mistakes but word usage are still confusing at some points)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 7.0 (fluent use of complex structures, quickly check again the usage of tenses)
Overall: 7.0 (such an informative essay, however it’s too long for 20 minutes time, check the tenses and word-usage to strenghthen each idea)

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