Hi everyone! I would be very grateful if you check this because I have an exam soon.. Thank you so much!

QuestionsCategory: QuestionsHi everyone! I would be very grateful if you check this because I have an exam soon.. Thank you so much!
Daisy asked 2 months ago

Nowadays, traffic is a serious problem in big cities. Why this is so and waht effects does it bring?
Traffic congestion is a widespread phenomenon in metropolitan cities, which exerts negative impacts on people’s lives. It is better to identify factors associated with traffic issues and understand what effects it takes to city dwellers before things get worse.
First of all, improved living standards of individuals’ lives attribute to crowd traffic. Cars have become affordable for the average consumers nowadays, and they are no longer luxury items. This fact also means that there are growing numbers of cars as well. Besides, population booming is responsible for more private vehicles. Roads, however, are narrow, and road expansion fails to keep the pace of a rapid rise in the car users.Thus, it is common to observe that drivers wait in a long line on streets during rush hours.
Driving offence, moreover, leads to deteriorating traffic problems. For example, people are more likely to hear the news that some drivers who drink alcohols have traffic accidents, which gives rise to traffic congestion. Because of these drivers who do not follow traffic regulations, innocent people’s lives have been threatened. This also proves that some drivers are not qualified to obtain driver licences and current driving tests in some countries are not strict enough.
Traffic issues bring numerous problems to individuals’ healthy lives. Firstly, many office people cannot commute to their working places on time due to the traffic jam. Many important appointments may be delayed as a consequence. Secondly, there are higher possibilities of traffic accidents occurring in the future if drivers do not adhere to traffic rules. The last but not least, the environment will be severely polluted since more cars emit toxic gases into the air.

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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 months ago

Traffic congestion is a widespread phenomenon in metropolitan cities, which exerts negative impacts on people’s lives. It is better to identify factors associated with traffic issues and understand about its effects on what effects it takes to city dwellers before things get worse.
Firstly of all, improved living standards of an individual’s life attributes to crowded traffic. Car has become affordable for the average consumers nowadays, and they are no longer luxury items (repeated with previous idea-“become affordable”=”no longer luxury”) This fact also which means that there are growing numbers of cars as well(?!), -> leading to a significant increase in its number. Besides, population booming is responsible for (not appropriate!) has resulted in more -> higher demand on private vehicles. Roads, however, are narrowed, and road expansion  However/Unfortunately, infrastructure fails to keep the pace of a rapid rise in the car users. Thus, it is common to observe that drivers wait in a long line on streets during rush hours.
Driving offense, moreover, leads to deteriorating traffic problems. For example, people are more likely to hear the news that some drunk drivers have been accused to cause a number of serious accidents who drink alcohols have traffic accidents, which possibly gives rise to traffic congestion. Because of these drivers who do not follow traffic regulations, innocent people’s lives have been threatened. This also proves that some drivers are not qualified to obtain driver licences and current driving tests in some countries are not strict enough. (Off-topic!!!).
Moreover/What is worse, traffic issues bring numerous problems also do harm to individuals’ healthy lives. For example, many (non-academic) office people cannot commute travel to their working places on time due to the traffic jam, thus  Many important appointments meetings may be delayed as a consequence. Secondly, In addition, there are higher possibilities of the rate of traffic accidents would certainly rise occurring more rapidly in the future if drivers do not adhere strictly commit to traffic rules. The last but not least(non-academic, by the way, “last but not least”only) Finally, the environment will be severely polluted since more cars emit toxic gases -> exhaust fumes into the air.
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.5 (address all part, yet lack of focus and sense at some points)
Coherence and cohesion: 5.5 (lack of cohesive devices, some ideas are fragmented and not logical, many unnecessary long sentences)
Lexical resource: 6.0 (wide range of vocabs yet inappropriate at many points, non-academic words)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 5.0 (lack of well-maintained complex sentence structures)
Overall: 6.0 (need further improvement, take notes on idea expression and explanation)
 

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