Hello! Could you please assess my essay? Thank you!

QuestionsCategory: Problem-SolutionHello! Could you please assess my essay? Thank you!
livermore asked 2 months ago

The unlimited use of cars may cause many problems. What are those problems? In order to reduce the problems, should we discourage people to use cars? Provide solutions
Currently, the  problem of unlimited use of cars is becoming more actual and alarming. Personally I rekon that it is caused by growth world population which lead certain negative consequences discussed below.
I believe that one of the momentous causes is people`s jobs. Nowadays commuters tend to go to  work by car at the same time. It result in this situation brings on traffic congestion during rush hour. For instance, number of accidents increased rapidly between last two years. Next negative effect is that indolence of people. Present people, think that if they travel to work on foot they may be tired, on the countrary this activity is very helpful for our health. In fact, big part of drivers are obese, because they sit only one place and they do not move during work process. As regards another cause, all transports produce more harmful gases in consequence azone layer of earth being damaged day by day. Actually azone layer protects us from pernicious rays of sun. Unfortunately, at the moment it defends our planet about 70 percent as a result this rays show negative effect and brings serious disease as millenoma (skin`s cancer) and also this detrimental gases can influence our respiratory system. If people breathe in this condition in outcome they may have pneumonia.
As can be seen from the above discussion the problem requires certain immediate solution. I suppose government must legislate rules which are related to vehicle. Namely company of cars must manufacture it less proportion. Also, owners of petroleum should increase dramatically price of fuel then nobody buy it and all drivers abdicate from own transports. However it is possible to use an experience of modern countries like environmentally friendly transports. Therefore, scientists should invent that type of automobiles then it does not pollute air.This invention is a good solution to arguable problem.
To sum up, people must understand that transports are dangerously pollutant which are “number one“ among the harmful effects. That is why, they should pay attention to own health and cleanliness of area which they live.

Rate this post

livermore replied 2 months ago

please check it…thank you so much!

livermore replied 2 months ago

….

Vi Doan replied 2 months ago

Currently, the severe problem of unlimited use of cars is increasingly actual and alarming. It is caused by the growth of the world’s population which leads to certain negative consequences discussed below.
One of the momentous triggers is people`s jobs. Nowadays, a number of commuters tend to go to work by private cars, which results in traffic congestion during rush hours. For instance, number of accidents increased rapidly between last two years. ( I dont know what u mean in this example, congestion and accidents) The second negative effect is the indolence of many citizens. Present people, think that they would feel excruciating exhausted if they walk to their offices; on the contrary, (if u put “on the contrary” at the middle of the sentence, it must be “;on the contrary,” – a semicolon before and a comma after. or “. On the contrary,” – a period before and a comma after to start the new sentence)travelling on foot is a good exercise for their health. In fact, plenty of drivers are obese (dont use a comma before “because”) because they sit only one place and they do not move during their work process. As regards another cause, all transports produce a sheer volume of greenhouse gases; consequently, ozone layer which protects us from pernicious rays of sun is damaged seriously. Presently, it defends our planet about 70 percent; as a result, the rays can cause hazardous diseases such as as melanoma or skin cancer and also this detrimental gases may influence our respiratory system and pneumonia is unable to be avoided.
Because of these major impacts, the problem requires certain immediate solutions. Governments should legislate rules which are related to vehicle. Namely company of cars must manufacture its less proportion. Also, the administration of world’s oil and gas should increase dramatically price of fuel then nobody buy it and all drivers abdicate from own transports.( I think u should rewrite this sentence, your idea is a little weird) However, it is possible adapt the essential solution of developed countries like environmentally friendly public transport. In other words, scientists should invent that type of automobiles which can consume less fuel.This invention is a good solution for this alarming problem.
To sum up, people should understand that transports are dangerous pollutants causing mainly many problems. That is why they should pay attention to own health and cleanliness of area where they live.
(Hi! Its my pleasure for me to check your essay. I have learned many things from your writing. U have good ideas but some of them are quite impossible or difficult to understand, my dear. U should notice how to use coordinating conjunctions (however, on the contrary,…. U also know many good words or vocabulary, but u should make your essay becomes more academic. I have given u some suggestions. Hope they work. Thank you so much. Love u)

Vi Doan replied 2 months ago

Hey. I think U need to know that they are just my suggestions, so maybe correct maybe not. Im just an overseas student, studying academic English. And I think u need a teacher or someone like that to check your works.

livermore replied 2 months ago

Thanks a lot Vi_Doan. I see but give me approximate mark…

livermore replied 2 months ago

I`m beginner at English language…