Hello, another essay here. Please feel freet o check my essay and do provide me with feedback for imporvement. Thank you

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Hello, another essay here. Please feel freet o check my essay and do provide me with feedback for imporvement. Thank you
sudhanshu.malla asked 1 week ago

Question:“Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.” To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Answer: Bringing up the children, which is generally done by mother is due to the idea that they can decide to have babies or not. However, in my view fatherhood is also equally important to the children as motherhood.
Firstly, in general, mother spends more time with the children while father spends his time working outside fulfilling the family’s basic needs. Looking one way we can see that children is raised and trained by mother alone but it’s not. For instance, had the father have not worked, there won’t be money to expense and meet fundamental needs of children like food, clothing, shelter, education and health. Similarly, father try to control their child properly.Especially in the South Asian  family, they try to appear as a strict character. For example, in case of normal Nepalese or even Indian family children have to get double permission , one from mother and ultimately from father to go out or for other things. These activities shows fathers are also responsible.However, just providing finance is not enough. To be able to do their responsibility, a father should spend some time with his children. Doing this, will show their love to the children.
Now, in modern societies, where both parents work, the children will have hard time trying to get proper care. There won’t be any time to think about solo fatherhood or motherhood rather they will get care and love from whomever possible. For illustration, while father is at work, mother may take care and vice versa.
To sum up, I firmly agree with the statement that “Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood”. Though practically we may see motherhood only, fathers are also fulfilling their responsibilities indirectly.

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sudhanshu.malla replied 3 days ago

Thank you Thuy Dung Pham. I really fell grateful for your effort.

sudhanshu.malla replied 3 days ago

Thank you Rachel. I really fell grateful for your effort.

Rachel replied 3 days ago

You’re welcome! ^^

2 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 4 days ago


Bringing up the children, which is generally done by mother is due to the idea that they can decide to have babies or not. However, in my view fatherhood is also equally important to the children as motherhood.
Firstly, in general, mother spends more time with the children while father spends his time working outside fulfilling the family’s basic needs. Looking one way we can see that children is raised and trained by mother alone but it’s not. For instance, had the father have not worked, there won’t be money to expense and meet fundamental needs of for children like food, clothing, shelter, education and health. Similarly, fathers try to control their child properly.Especially in the South Asian  family, they try to appear as a strict character. For example, in case of normal Nepalese or even Indian family children have to get double permission , one from mother and ultimately from father to go out or for other things. These activities shows fathers are also responsible.However, just providing finance is not enough. To be able to do their responsibility, a father should spend some time with his children. Doing this, will show their love to the children.
Now, in modern societies, where both parents work, the children will have hard time trying to get proper care. There won’t be any time to think about solo fatherhood or motherhood rather they will get care and love from whomever possible. For illustration, while father is at work, mother may take care and vice versa.
To sum up, I firmly agree with the statement that “Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood”. Though practically we may see motherhood only, fathers are also fulfilling their responsibilities indirectly.
Task achievement: 5.5 (presents some main ideas but the development is not always clear and not sufficiently developed)
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5 (arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression)
Lexical Resource: 6.0 (attempts to use less common vocabulary)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.0 (uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, makes some minor errors in grammar)
Overall: 6.0 (You have very good ideas and good vocabulary. You need to improve how to write more logically, precise, and concise)


 

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sudhanshu.malla replied 3 days ago

Thank you Thuy Dung Pham. I really fell grateful for your effort.

sudhanshu.malla replied 3 days ago

Thank you Rachel. I really fell grateful for your effort.

Rachel replied 3 days ago

You’re welcome! ^^

Rachel answered 3 days ago

Bringing up the children, which is generally done by mother is due to the idea that they can decide to have babies or not. However, in my view, fatherhood is also equally important to the children as motherhood.
Firstly, in general, mother spends more time with the children while father spends his time working outside fulfilling the family’s basic needs. Looking one way we can see that children is raised and trained by mother alone but it’s not. For instance, had the father have not worked, there won’t be money to expense and meet fundamental needs of children like food, clothing, shelter, education and health. Similarly, father try to control their child properly. Especially in the South Asian family, they try to appear as a strict character. For example, in case of normal Nepalese or even Indian family children have to get double permission, one from mother and ultimately from father to go out or for other things. These activities shows fathers are also responsible. However, just providing finance is not enough. To be able to do their responsibility, a father should spend some time with his children. Doing this, will show their love to the children.
Now, in modern societies, where both parents work, the children will have hard time trying to get proper care. There won’t be any time to think about solo fatherhood or motherhood rather they will get care and love from whomever possible. For illustration, while father is at work, mother may take care and vice versa.
To sum up, I firmly agree with the statement that “Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood”. Though practically we may see motherhood only, fathers are also fulfilling their responsibilities indirectly.
Task achievement – 5.5

  • present some main ideas but some may be fully covered than the other.
  • yet fully answered the task question

Coherence and cohesion – 5.0

  • present with some organization
  • maybe lack of cohesive devices in some places, and there should be comma before conjunctions (like and, but, or, however…)

Lexical resource – 5.5

  • use limited range of vocabulary
  • attempt to use less common lexical items
  • errors in word choice, contraction, etc,.

Grammatical range – 5.5

  • use limited range of structures
  • make errors in punctuations, agreement

Overall 5.5

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sudhanshu.malla replied 3 days ago

Thank you Thuy Dung Pham. I really fell grateful for your effort.

sudhanshu.malla replied 3 days ago

Thank you Rachel. I really fell grateful for your effort.

Rachel replied 3 days ago

You’re welcome! ^^