Could you please assess my essay? I have an exam soon.

QuestionsCategory: Advantage/DisadvantageCould you please assess my essay? I have an exam soon.
MuratAydin asked 3 months ago

Topic:
 In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard
this as completely wrong,while others consider it as valuable work experience,
important for learning and taking responsibility.
 
What are your opinions on this?
 
 
Text:
 
Many people think that being employed at an early age could create some psychological problems while others believe that undertaking such a duty during adolescence could prompt children to have a clearer idea about their future. This essay will discuss about these views which are related to the subject.
 
 First of all, I believe that working during childhood could enable to illuminate about reality of life, in this way it would be learnt what kind of thing life is. İn addition to that, being employed would provide teenagers an empirical knowledge that they could utilize in their future to overcome difficulties easily. Furthermore, the most important beneficial aspect of working at early age would be to have a deeper information about one’s character and soul, which can help to decide  about which field is more suitable to work in future.
 
 Nevertheless, begin to work at an early age could create some paramount and permanent problems which should be really considered. For example, spending a big part of the day for working could distract children to focus on their education, moreover, could utterly stagnate their school life and lead them to drop out.  To diversify reasons for this, for instance meeting with money and having it more than one’s peers would be considerably harmful. Firstly because it could possibly orientate children to enjoy more outside  secondly it could cause one to boast with himself.  Additionally, encountering with bad people in business life as well as experiencing some obtrusive stories could wean all willing to work, even more it could completely make children hate working.
 
To sum up, I would recommend to have a little job in these ages, I think that reaching a point on this issue is quite difficult as it warrants a professional knowledge as the subject is so fragile. So I therefore emphasize that leaving this issue to pedagogues would be the wisest way.
 

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1 Answers
Rachel answered 3 months ago

Topic:
In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard
this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience,
important for learning and taking responsibility.
 
What are your opinions on this?
  
Text:
 
Many people think that being employed at an early age could create some psychological problems while others believe that undertaking such a duty during adolescence could prompt children to have a clearer idea about their future. This essay will discuss about these views which are related to the subject.
 
First of all, I believe that working during childhood could enable to illuminate about reality of life, in this way it would be learnt what kind of thing life is. In addition to that, being employed would provide teenagers an empirical knowledge that they could utilize in their future to overcome difficulties easily. Furthermore, the most important and beneficial aspect of working at early age would be to have a deeper information about one’s character and soul, which can help to decide about which field is more suitable to work in future.
 
Nevertheless, begin to work at an early age could create some paramount and permanent problems which should be really considered. For example, spending a big part of the day for working could distract children to focus on their education, moreover, could utterly stagnate their school life and lead them to drop out.  To diversify reasons for this, for instance, meeting with money and having it more than one’s peers would be considerably harmful. Firstly because it could possibly orientate children to enjoy more outside secondly it could cause one to boast with himself.  Additionally, encountering with bad people in business life as well as experiencing some obtrusive stories could wean all willing to work, even more it could completely make children hate working.
 
To sum up, I would recommend to have a little job in these ages, I think that reaching a point on this issue is quite difficult as it warrants a professional knowledge as the subject is so fragile. So I therefore emphasize that leaving this issue to pedagogues would be the wisest way.
Word count – 316
Task achievement – 7.0

  • address all parts of the task
  • present clear position throughout the respond

Coherence and Cohesion – 5.5

  • arrange information and ideas with some organization and there is a clear overall progression
  • make some inappropriate use of cohesive devices

Lexical resource – 5.5

  • attempt to use less common words
  • make some errors in word choice, and in use of collocation, preposition,. etc.

Grammatical range and Accuracy – 6.0

  • use mix of simple and complex sentence forms

Overall – 6.0
Hope this might help! ^^

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